Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
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