There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
