I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
