captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Randomize
