I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
