First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
she smelled like a LAN party
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
