actually, I'm a sock model
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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