Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
