Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
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