Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
