What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
