There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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