Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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