a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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