new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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