My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Randomize
