The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
