I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
