I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
