It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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