I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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