Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
