Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
