Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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