Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
