I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize
