Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
