Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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