Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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