note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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