just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
