mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Randomize
