what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
