I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
