if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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