Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
