I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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