Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
