Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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