People with herpes should wear stickers.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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