I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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