My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
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