i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
