our cab driver is having phone sex.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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