I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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