***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
