capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
