I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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