Whats the glycemic index on semen?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I'm passing your future prison.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
