i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
