i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
