i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
