My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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