I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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