Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
