Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
