i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
