she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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