so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
