dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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