I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Dignity is for republicans.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
