How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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